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• All What'd You Say? Sox
• "BITCHCRAFT" The art of Pissing People Off While Smiling
• 6 month vacation
• 95% of being married is just yelling "WHAT" from the other room
• A Day Without Wine Is like......Just Kidding
• After this
• ALCOHOL doesn't solve any problems but neither does milk
• All the things I like to do are either ILLEGAL IMMORAL or FATTENING
• Always running late is my cardio
• and if she did IT WAS MY BROTHER
• And Yet Despite the Look on My Face
• As long as there is COFFEE everything will be FINE
• At first I cared then I was like "NAH F*CK YOU"
• AWAKE NOT WOKE
• Being CREMATED is my Last Chance for a SMOKING HOT BODY
• Bitch
• bitches
• black
• Boss
• but I know a PRICK when I see one
• BUT I'd unplug your LIFE SUPPORT to charge MY PHONE
• but I'm not the one who Married Me
• but some of his children are a pain in the A$$
• but there's no cure for STUPID
• Can you see the "F*CK YOU" in my smile
• color
• Como Estas Bitches
• crazy
• CRAZY can be MEDICATED
• Dear Karma
• Dear Life...Would you PLEASE start using LUBRICANT
• DESSERTS
• Do I look like a F*CKING PEOPLE PERSON
• Doing nothing is hard. I never know when I'm done.
• Easy like a SUNDAY MORNING
• EVERYONE has the right to be stupid. YOU are abusing the privilege.
• Exercise? I thought you said "EXTRA FRIES"
• F*CK IT is usually my final thought before most decisions
• Forget the dogs
• Go F*CK Yourself
• Good Morning to some of YOU F*CK YOU to THE REST
• Half the day I wonder if it's too late for COFFEE The other half I wonder if it's too early for ALCOHOL
• HELL should be EASY.
• husband
• I ALWAYS arrive late to work but I make up for it by LEAVING EARLY
• I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
• I checked my receipt and I didn't buy any of your BULLSH!T
• I didn't say it was YOUR FAULT I said I was BLAMING YOU
• I don't believe everyone was KUNG FU FIGHTING
• I don't get drunk. I get LESS classy and MORE FUN.
• I don't have a bucket list I have a F*CK it list
• I don't have an attitude problem. YOU have an UNDERSTANDING PROBLEM.
• I DON'T LIKE "MORNING PEOPLE". Or Mornings. Or People.
• I don't like anyone telling me what to do unless I NAKED
• I doubt vodka is the answer but it's worth A SHOT
• I DRINK wine because my therapist says I SHOULDN'T keep things bottled up.
• I F*CKING SWEAR because I F*CKING CARE
• I Give 110% Half of the time
• I give ZERO F*CKS
• I have a list of people you MISSED
• I have enough money to live comfortably for the the rest of my life if I die next weekend
• I have no idea!
• I have no problem admitting I'm wrong like the time I GOT MARRIED
• I haven't always been this ANGRY and SARCASTIC It's taken YEARS
• I hope they bury me upside down so the whole world can KISS MY A$$
• I IDENTIFY as a THREAT. My pronouns are TRY / ME
• I just asked myself if I'm CRAZY and we said NO.
• I just have LEADERSHIP SKILLS
• I know life is UNFAIR but this is F*CKING RIDICULOUS
• I know the voices aren't real. But man do they come up with some CRAZY SH!T
• I like my job slightly more than being HOMELESS
• I love DRUNK ME but I don't trust that F*CKING BITCH
• I LOVE GOD
• I married the man of my dreams and the mother-in-law of my nightmares
• I may look cute but I play dirty
• I meet some people and feel bad for their CAT
• I meet some people and feel BAD for their DOG
• I Need a 6 Month Vacation twice a year
• I need something stronger than coffee but less than cocaine right now
• I Never Finish Anythin
• I PLAY like a GIRL
• I Pretend to Work
• I SAY WHAT EVERYONE else is thinking
• I suck at APOLOGIES SO UNF*CK YOU
• I will ONLY be talking to my DOG today
• I would like to THANK my MIDDLE FINGER for sticking up for me.
• I'd rather be home with My DOG
• I'm actually not FUNNY. I'm just MEAN and people think I'M JOKING.
• I'm afraid if I stop drinking I'll replace it with MURDERING
• I'm allergic to people
• I'm at a point in life that I need a STRONGER word than F*CK
• I'm no cactus expert
• I'm not a person you should ever put on speakerphone. EVER.
• I'm not arguing with you. I'm explaining why I'm right.
• I'm not BOSSY
• I'm not fat I'm just so F*CKING SEXY it OVERFLOWS
• I'm not INSULTING you I'm DESCRIBING YOU
• I'm not lazy I'm just very relaxed
• I'm not saying I HATE YOU
• I'm sorry what language are you speaking? It sounds like total BULLSH!T
• I'm the reason daddy drinks
• I'm the reason MOMMY DRINKS
• I'm too SEXY for these socks
• I've done TERRIBLE things for MONEY. Like getting up early to go to work.
• If a man says he will fix it
• If I actually spoke my mind I'd be in DEEP SH!T
• If I agree with you we will BOTH BE WRONG
• If SWEARING burned calories I'd be a real SKINNY BITCH
• If you don't like the way I do things FEEL FREE to MIND YOUR F*CKING BUSINESS
• If you met my family you would understand
• If you're HAPPY and you know it
• IGNORANCE can be EDUCATED
• In alcohol's defense I've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too
• In my defense they left me unsupervised
• Is your A$$ jealous of all the SH!T that comes out of your mouth?
• It's a Good day. The voices in my head are getting along.
• It's beginning to look a lot like "F*CK THIS"
• It's CRAZY how EXPENSIVE being ALIVE is
• it's the MEDS
• Its called KARMA and it's pronounced "HA HA F*CK YOU"
• JESUS love you but everyone else thinks you're an A$$HOLE
• LESS Friends LESS Drama. Keep your circle small.
• Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking SH!T from some A$$HOLE
• Life is too short to work with A$$HOLES
• LOVES HER MAMA
• LOVES JESUS and AMERICA TOO
• May our weekends be LONG and our Tequila be STRONG
• Miscellaneous
• Money doesn't BUY happiness unless you spend it on WINE
• My Boss is an A$$hole
• My Haters are my Motivators
• My husband and I were happy for the first 20 YEARS. Then we met.
• My Husband Thinks I'm Crazy
• My Mom didn't raise a DUMMY
• My opinions may change but not the FACT that I'm always RIGHT
• naughty
• Never Paid for a Divorce
• Next Week was Super Exhausting
• No Need to Repeat Yourself. I IGNORED YOU JUST FINE the First Time.
• Nobody CARES about your story until you WIN. SO WIN!
• Obesity runs in my family because NO ONE RUNS in my family
• Oh you think I GIVE A SHIT. HOW CUTE.
• Once upon a time F*CK YOU. THE END.
• One tequila Two tequila Three tequila FLOOR
• People like YOU are the REASON we have MIDDLE FINGERS
• PLEASE just STOP TALKING
• Relax... we're all crazy... It's NOT a COMPETITION
• SEEN it all DONE it all CAN'T REMEMBER SHIT
• She's a GOOD GIRL
• Shutting the F*CK UP is gluten free. Add that to your STUPID DIET.
• SMILE. It DESTROYS your enemies.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make ONCE
• Someone PLEASE call 9 WINE WINE
• Sometimes I tell myself the jail time isn't worth it
• STRESSED
• Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts
• STRONGER & BETTER
• Studies have shown smart people swear more than STUPID MOTHERF*CKERS
• SUCCESS is the GREATEST MIDDLE FINGER
• That's why I'm FASTER
• THE ANSWER IS NO! Now
• The First 5 Days After The Weekend Are the Hardest
• The more people I meet the MORE I like my cat
• The more people I meet the MORE I like my dog
• There comes a time when you have to decide to TURN the page or CLOSE the book
• there's no need to remind him EVERY 6 MONTHS
• These are the socks I wear when I don't give a SHIT
• They Judge Others ....Together
• They Pretend to Pay Me
• TODAY is the TOMORROW you worried about YESTERDAY
• True Friends
• True Friends Don't Judge Each Other
• Twice a Year
• unisex
• We agree to disagree. NOW GO F*CK YOURSELF!
• We don't need GUN CONTROL we need IDIOT CONTROL
• We've been friends for SO LONG I can't remember which one of us is the bad influence
• What Doesn't KILL YOU....Disappoints ME
• what was your question?
• What'd You Say? Sox
• When GOD made me he was just SHOWING OFF
• When you're RIGHT NO ONE remembers. When you're WRONG NO ONE forgets.
• While you are STABBING me in the back KISS my A$$ TOO
• WHO LET THE IDIOTS OUT?
• Whoever said Money Can't buy Happiness
• Words can't express how much I don't give a F*CK
• Work
• YES I have a beautiful daughter. I also have a GUN a SHOVEL and an ALIBI.
• Yes I'm a BITCH but not YOURS
• You are about to EXCEED the limits of my MEDICATION
• You bring the alcohol I'll bring THE BAD DECISIONS
• You Can't Tell Me What To Do. You're Not My Dog.
• You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions
• YOU should be happy that I'm not a TWIN
• You're my FAVORITE PAIN IN THE A$$
• You're not STUPID. You just have BAD LUCK when you think.
• You're Still Talking